Stuff and Friendships

Hi,

Just keeping in touch. I am still hovering around 305 on the scale. UP a little, then down a little. I am still happy to be hovering at this number because it means I am holding on to a 50-lb weight loss and I am pleased by that.

The BP is about what it has always been with some lower ones every so often.

I am not currently eating as many fresh raw vegetables. I have slipped back to my old ways of filling the freezer with protein and veggies and cooking my food. That way, nothing goes to waste. I had stopped eating the salads before I ever stopped buying the ingredients. I would buy them, and they would rot in the fridge until I threw them out. I had no actual plan to do this... I just watched it happen... and I suppose that is probably the reason.

When eating out, I tend to indulge in a few carbs, so I know I have to be careful there. It is the twice weekly fasting that is keeping me lower on the scale. I am thinking that I need to start paying attention to the portions a little better.

Often after a fast, I end up at a buffet where I stuff myself, and that is the recipe for the body of a Sumo wrestler. So that is why I've decided to be more cautious with the portions. I'm also planning on switching, gradually, to more chicken and less beef and pork in the freezer. As it goes out of my fridge I will replace it with chicken. I am hoping that change may help to lower the blood pressure, although I have nothing to base that thought on. I am just going to try it and see.

I am still dealing with the hurt knee but it is showing signs of improving. My problem is that I want to do all the stuff I used to do, whenever it shows signs of improvement and the pain is less. Overdoing it always causes a set back, so I am deciding to be more careful with it, until it actually is healed.

*** Three starts denotes the passage of time.

It is now about three, or maybe four, weeks later... and I'm now hovering around 310. I'm still dealing with the knee but it is still better than it was. I guess I will just have to accept the fact that it is not healing as quickly as it has in the past. It seems to have been a bigger injury or something. About half of the swelling has gone down, which also means that it is still swollen and I'm now getting pain in odd places.

I did not swim this week in an effort to give the knee some time to heal, and now the rest of my body is paying the price for the lack of exercise with old forgotten pains creeping back in the head and back. I'm really contemplating going swimming on Monday but I will have to be very careful and not go in the lazy river (which I usually really enjoy). I got in it too soon a couple of weeks ago and that really set the healing back.

I've been missing church, too and I really don't like the effect that missing church has on me. I want to go to bed early enough tonight that it is not a problem to go to church so I will have to hit the sack in a short time.

I've been kind of depressed lately, what with the knee, lack of exercise, not going to church, having someone stealing money from my business account (online fraud), dealing with a bank employee that suspects that I'm stealing money from myself, and a friend that told me she did not need my advice or guidance and that she had other women who provided that for her. Of all of these things, that last one has hit me the hardest.  My heart feels completely wounded and I am taking stock of what caused this and how to deal with it.

This is not the first time I've offended someone with my "advice" but I never see it coming when it hits. I never have in mind to offend someone, so when they are, and they lash out at me, I get kind of blind sided. It has happened so many times that I am getting really tired of it. I really am not exactly sure how to go about this so I've been sitting back, praying, thinking, reading my Bible and waiting for inspiration.


Last night, I realized there is nothing wrong with me. I simply am how I am, and I don't really know how to do or be something else. I don't mean that in an arrogant way, I just mean that I can't turn me into something I'm not, or fill anybody elses expectations. I can barely fill my own expectations of me. Only God can make me into a new creation and that in Christ. Praise the Lord!

There are no perfect people. Each friendship has its own parameters and if I happen to bluster my way into a problem, then I guess I just get to deal with it. If some better answer shows up, I will grab hold, but for now, I cannot withdraw from life every time someone else does not like something I've said or some mistake I've made. I tried mending things but I'm not sure it "took." On the surface we're still friends, but deep inside me, I know she has never really been the kind of friend I wanted her to be and now I realize that will never happen. At least not with her.

I think the best I can do is to take stock and realize that sometimes people don't want (or need) to hear what I have to say. Sometimes people prefer being offended and they enjoy being right about it, too. I apologized to her and she forgave me, but she did not think I needed an apology from her. I also need to realize that not everything I have to say is... important. My opinion or viewpoint is not really what makes the world go round. I suppose if it is important to me that is enough for a small place. I don't think I was intended for large places. And I'm happy with that most of the time.

Sometimes the people I want to be friends with, can't really be friends with me because of things they have going on... perhaps in their life, perhaps in their head. I really miss that childhood kind of friend who knows you and accepts you just as you are and likes spending time with you without expecting you to be something you're not. Since I am single, I don't have that life partner that the majority of people seem to have, and childhood friendships are just that, childhood friendships. If, as an adult, you have one of those, you are truly blessed. And maybe you have better people skills than I have.

Friendships can be as complicated as love relationships. I could go on about the woman I befriended at church who turned out to be a nut case, calling me all hours of the day and night wanting to argue about my religious beliefs, trying to prove to me that what I believe is wrong. Or the woman who kept asking me for money to the point of reducing my bank account so low that it never recovered. In each of these cases, the only solution was to cut the cord and end the friendship. They were both completely toxic and I am glad to be rid of them. but it also put big void spots in my life.

Don't get me wrong. I have some really good friends, too. People that I love to see and talk to. People who love me. Maybe not in a big way, but small love is good too. It is just that losing someone out of your life, no matter what kind of friendship you had, or realizing you don't really have with them, what you thought you had, or simply wanted with them, is completely disheartening... for a while.

2 Cor: 4:6-9  For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;  Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

The only friend I have found who is completely faithful is Jesus. I am so glad that he can fill any void that can happen in my life. Knowing Him is what has kept me sane through these events. Knowing that He loves me is completely satisfying to my soul. It also helps to know that He loves the nut cases that I cannot deal with, too. I don't want them to be unloved, I just know it can't be me who does it. God is better at this love stuff than I am... but I'm still trying because I know He wants me to and I love Him. We love Him, because He first loved us!!

I am grateful for the love of God. I am glad He loves you, too. I'm glad He can speak the words of love and friendship that we all need to hear.

Amen!!

Be back soon,

Marcia