Discovering that I was trusting the process of eating is an amazing revelation to me. I was completely unaware until yesterday (see previous day's post) that eating was the thing I really trusted in. I am not sure that I have my understanding around this whole thing completely but I've been more aware since my last post and am still a little flabbergasted by it. And glad, too.
Last night as I was watching a video about creation and science I noticed I was reacting to it emotionally. I was feeling scared. I really don't know exactly why but I also noticed that I wanted to "get away" from those feelings and I started to think about binge foods. This time, though, was different, because I was also observing and understanding my reaction in a new light.
As I sat there, kind of scared, and beginning to desire to take my attention away from that by going to get some food, I simply continued to sit there, feeling, and observing what was going on without taking any of my previously normal actions.
I thought about trusting the Lord instead, so that I had the experience of not exactly merging them but of allowing the trusting to refocus on what I know about the Lord Jesus. I know that he loves me. I trust that he loves me. I know that he is constant and never changes. I trust that He is eternal. I know that he is trustworthy. I trust in His goodness and strength and power. He is more than able to carry me through. "I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me."
As I sat there trusting Jesus, I saw the "binge" disappear. I felt the scary feelings, but did not panic. In far less than a minute those scary feelings simply faded away. I went through them and let them happen and did not die. I simply remained where I was and felt good as I trusted in the Lord. Then I prayed and thanked Him. It is so good to no longer be alone. To no longer be so overwhelmingly responsible, or to blame, on my own. I am loved and I am worthwhile.
This is the first time I found a better way to respond. A way to simply let that feeling happen without resorting to my previous avoiding behavior which was always to eat something. I feel like Jesus has set me free, at last. I suddenly have new behavior muscles and I look forward to exercising them.
I am now interested in trusting. I had not realized about "placing my trust" and what that meant. Thank you, Lord.
I usually have much more to say about stuff but I feel this one speaks for itself.
Today I am feeling free in the Lord, and kind of back to my real self again. He has made me "able." I'm actually looking forward to trusting Him. Anticipating trusting Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit. Anticipating and experiencing the newness in Him.
God's mercies are new every morning. Did you ever wonder why his mercies are new every morning? It is because he, Himself, is new every morning. God is ancient but he never grows old. He is as young and new now, as he ever was, and always will be. He is eternal and unchanging. He lives outside of time and aging. He is always new. His goodness is always new, His infinity is always new. Just think what he has made us: a new creation, in Him. We have eternal life in His son, My Savior, Jesus Christ. His mercy is new every afternoon and evening, too!! God is so good and so amazing! Praise the Lord beyond words!
God bless!!
Be back soon,
Marcia
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Noticing the Thinking, and the Trusting
As I continue to go through the exercises outlined in the "Anatomy of a Food Addiction: The Brain Chemistry of Overeating" by Anne Katherine, I've been reliving some painful childhood memories. Yesterday, after I felt I had done enough for one day, I put it aside.
I guess if you are going to change your life now, you sometimes have to delve into "why" you do what you do -- and very importantly "what" you did in response to it in the past -- in order to have the knowledge to change your behavior now. It certainly brought back up a lot of pain. But, now that I'm an adult, and I do have some experience in redirecting my thinking I can see that I needed to take a look at these things once more so I can, perhaps, get beyond my childhood decisions about them and make new ones.
I also went back and read the blog posts I wrote as I started this process. In re-reading them, two things stood out to me that I had not really noticed as I wrote and I want to remember them. So that is what I am about to share with you... and with myself.
"The looking is part of the pleasure..." -- that is the first thing that kind of shouted to me. By "looking" which in context meant seeking up and down the aisles for binge food, but in retrospect also means "fantasizing" or "picturing" in my head, I am reinforcing the binge behavior. The "looking" is part of the binge behavior -- it strengthens the lust. It seems that having an alternative plan of action may help end this situation.
I know from previous experience in dealing with anxiety that human beings (me) respond to our own thoughts with feelings. The feelings follow the thoughts. If you nurture scary thoughts, you will have scary feelings. If you nip the scary thoughts as soon as you recognize them, you then nip the scary feelings, too, thus allowing peace a place inside yourself. It appears to me that there is a similar thing happening in the binge eating process -- or mechanism. Feelings that are following thoughts, and actions that are following feelings. So it always starts with a thought, passes through a feeling, and ends with an action.
I am thinking that one way to help disconnect a binge may be that when I notice I am fantasizing about food, that I can first acknowledge it, then put up the stop sign, and then redirect my thinking in the same way that I redirect other non-essential, non-profitable, thinking. I am not absolutely sure this will work because of the physical chemistry involved, too, but I do at least have something I feel I can depend on. I also think it will require prayer, because I need the strength and help that only the Lord provides -- Lord willing.
Thoughts sometime come in long trains. There is even the expression a "train of thought." Thoughts come one after the other in seemingly logical progression -- one triggers the next one. The odd thing is that in reality not every thought is either logical or of enough importance to continue riding the train to the destination. Not all thoughts are even true. I already know that trains of scary thoughts ALWAYS lead to the exact same destination. Thoughts that go "round and round" in your head serve their only purpose which is to make you feel bad. They are a kind of self inflicted punishment, but, once you realize that, you can unplug the punishment, before it gets to the feeling, or the action. In the same way that a person can only be punished once by a court of law for their crimes, we need to realize that it is pointless to continue punishing ourselves over and over for the same "crime." That is what forgiveness is for -- to end the punishment.
The good news is that once you recognize which train has started, you don't have to ride that train any more. You can stop the train and get off. I have learned that when I recognize a thought, that I have usually seen before, and I know where it leads, I can choose to either follow it to the same destination, OR, I can put up the stop sign and get off the train. It helps to have another, more preferable set of thoughts to turn to when needed. I am a Christian so I know that turning to soothing scriptures are an excellent way to redirect my thinking, and rekindle my faith in Jesus. The 23rd Psalm is my "go to" redirect. Also recalling and reciting the words, "I am loved, and I am worthwhile," which are words that I've shared about before that the Lord gave to me, specifically. Using these not only redirects my thinking but also helps me to feel nurtured, too.
As I've been going through the exercises in the book, the experiences I've been reliving are the ones where I was not properly nurtured as a child in the first place. I made some decisions as a child in response to those incidents and, thank God, I know that I can now, as an adult, supply the nurturing I need. I am no longer a child without resources or training. I am now a grown up with resources and skills. I am feeling a real sense of joy and relief from recalling this.
The second thing that stood out to me was the phrase: "They learn to trust the process of eating..." and then to myself, in wonder, I added, "instead of trusting the Lord."
Wow. Trusting the process of eating. I think this is a big one. As I look at it, I see that I really do trust the process of eating to give me comfort, and satisfaction, and joy. It is almost thrilling to think about the process of eating. So amazing that I have so much invested in the process of eating. This is quite a revelation to me. I never noticed the truth of that before.
Balancing that thought with "instead of trusting the Lord" also gives me a new picture of what trusting the Lord is really like. What a metaphor: trusting Jesus as much as you trust the process of eating. Wow. Truly trusting the Lord.
I need to chew on that one for a while. (Yes I noticed the eating metaphor, there.)
I want to kind of bask in it for a while and experience trusting Jesus as much as I trust the process of eating. I'm happy.
Thank you, Lord!!
Be back soon,
Marcia
I guess if you are going to change your life now, you sometimes have to delve into "why" you do what you do -- and very importantly "what" you did in response to it in the past -- in order to have the knowledge to change your behavior now. It certainly brought back up a lot of pain. But, now that I'm an adult, and I do have some experience in redirecting my thinking I can see that I needed to take a look at these things once more so I can, perhaps, get beyond my childhood decisions about them and make new ones.
I also went back and read the blog posts I wrote as I started this process. In re-reading them, two things stood out to me that I had not really noticed as I wrote and I want to remember them. So that is what I am about to share with you... and with myself.
"The looking is part of the pleasure..." -- that is the first thing that kind of shouted to me. By "looking" which in context meant seeking up and down the aisles for binge food, but in retrospect also means "fantasizing" or "picturing" in my head, I am reinforcing the binge behavior. The "looking" is part of the binge behavior -- it strengthens the lust. It seems that having an alternative plan of action may help end this situation.
I know from previous experience in dealing with anxiety that human beings (me) respond to our own thoughts with feelings. The feelings follow the thoughts. If you nurture scary thoughts, you will have scary feelings. If you nip the scary thoughts as soon as you recognize them, you then nip the scary feelings, too, thus allowing peace a place inside yourself. It appears to me that there is a similar thing happening in the binge eating process -- or mechanism. Feelings that are following thoughts, and actions that are following feelings. So it always starts with a thought, passes through a feeling, and ends with an action.
I am thinking that one way to help disconnect a binge may be that when I notice I am fantasizing about food, that I can first acknowledge it, then put up the stop sign, and then redirect my thinking in the same way that I redirect other non-essential, non-profitable, thinking. I am not absolutely sure this will work because of the physical chemistry involved, too, but I do at least have something I feel I can depend on. I also think it will require prayer, because I need the strength and help that only the Lord provides -- Lord willing.
Thoughts sometime come in long trains. There is even the expression a "train of thought." Thoughts come one after the other in seemingly logical progression -- one triggers the next one. The odd thing is that in reality not every thought is either logical or of enough importance to continue riding the train to the destination. Not all thoughts are even true. I already know that trains of scary thoughts ALWAYS lead to the exact same destination. Thoughts that go "round and round" in your head serve their only purpose which is to make you feel bad. They are a kind of self inflicted punishment, but, once you realize that, you can unplug the punishment, before it gets to the feeling, or the action. In the same way that a person can only be punished once by a court of law for their crimes, we need to realize that it is pointless to continue punishing ourselves over and over for the same "crime." That is what forgiveness is for -- to end the punishment.
The good news is that once you recognize which train has started, you don't have to ride that train any more. You can stop the train and get off. I have learned that when I recognize a thought, that I have usually seen before, and I know where it leads, I can choose to either follow it to the same destination, OR, I can put up the stop sign and get off the train. It helps to have another, more preferable set of thoughts to turn to when needed. I am a Christian so I know that turning to soothing scriptures are an excellent way to redirect my thinking, and rekindle my faith in Jesus. The 23rd Psalm is my "go to" redirect. Also recalling and reciting the words, "I am loved, and I am worthwhile," which are words that I've shared about before that the Lord gave to me, specifically. Using these not only redirects my thinking but also helps me to feel nurtured, too.
As I've been going through the exercises in the book, the experiences I've been reliving are the ones where I was not properly nurtured as a child in the first place. I made some decisions as a child in response to those incidents and, thank God, I know that I can now, as an adult, supply the nurturing I need. I am no longer a child without resources or training. I am now a grown up with resources and skills. I am feeling a real sense of joy and relief from recalling this.
The second thing that stood out to me was the phrase: "They learn to trust the process of eating..." and then to myself, in wonder, I added, "instead of trusting the Lord."
Wow. Trusting the process of eating. I think this is a big one. As I look at it, I see that I really do trust the process of eating to give me comfort, and satisfaction, and joy. It is almost thrilling to think about the process of eating. So amazing that I have so much invested in the process of eating. This is quite a revelation to me. I never noticed the truth of that before.
Balancing that thought with "instead of trusting the Lord" also gives me a new picture of what trusting the Lord is really like. What a metaphor: trusting Jesus as much as you trust the process of eating. Wow. Truly trusting the Lord.
I need to chew on that one for a while. (Yes I noticed the eating metaphor, there.)
I want to kind of bask in it for a while and experience trusting Jesus as much as I trust the process of eating. I'm happy.
Thank you, Lord!!
Be back soon,
Marcia
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Family Addiction Tree
Hi,
Going through the book "Anatomy of a Food Addiction: The Brain Chemistry of Overeating" by Anne Katherine, is like reliving my childhood. After doing the assignment of recalling my family members and ancestors and what addictions they had, I can see it kind of runs in the family. We have a couple of people who were alcoholics or drug users. We had some who were obese. We had some who were diabetic or had chronic illness. So, while I don't blame them, I don't have to blame me, either.
I also like that the book does not stop with the explanation of how sugar and starches affect my brain chemistry making me, driving me, to over eat. At first glance it seems that the way around the addiction is by giving up the sugar and then life will be grand. So sorry, it does not work exactly that way. That would be the "diet mentality." Dieting does not actually work for a food addict either, because there are other things going on than just food chemistry.
At some point we (addicts) learned to sacrifice our emotional needs for our physical well being. The adults we were around were not very skilled at cuddling us or paying attention to us or teaching us the skills to deal with the emotions of life. They are not to blame. They were not taught these things either. They were doing the best they could.
Nonetheless, in my own family, there were some forms of abuse going on. Striking anyone (a child or teen) with a belt, or punching them in the face is abuse. Not providing the affection they needed or teaching them how to deal with their inner nature is also abuse, of a different kind. Some people in other families suffered even worse. Those children went to certain adults for physical affection and cuddles and got sexually abused. So very sorry for those this happened to. Glad to say that did not happen, as far as I know, in my family. I know it did not happen to me. There were one or two odd instances of sexually inappropriate behavior (we had many kids in our family) but they were not abusive, were not repeated, and were not ever mentioned again. I don't consider those to be too important or life changing, although there may have been an affect of which I am unaware.
All these kinds of things happening to a child shapes how that child deals with life. They learn how to survive but they do not learn how to enjoy being alive. They learn that they are supposed to know things they don't know. They learn to not get too close to the edge of a cliff or they might just fall over and then be berated for being stupid. They become very responsible. They learn that there are times when they might need a cuddle but they have also learned they are not supposed to ask for what they need.
They discover that food can be comforting when they need comfort. Their adults are very busy taking care of what is important to adults... like work or cleaning or whatever they are occupied with. The child learns to keep things hidden from their adults and they may turn to food (or other substances) which actually does give a real and physical kind of comfort, if only for a short time. They learn to trust the process of eating, even after they begin to understand it also does them harm.
The generic descriptions I was reading actually brought back specific memories of my own. Little instances that verified what the author was saying about how the addiction grows. I remember when I was a young adult wishing that I had had the opportunity to go to "charm school" because I had such a rough time with relationships.
This is not a book about wallowing, or blaming, it appears to be simply a way to open my eyes a little so I can begin to learn how to deal with things another way. It is pointing out the need. The promise is that I will learn a much more healthy way to deal with the stresses of life.
I am intrigued and hopeful. I'm also a little scared, but, I shall forge ahead. I want to get beyond this over eating thing once and for all. I know I will have to continue to exercise my new skills for the rest of my life, because, from experience, and from the author's writing, I already know my brain acts differently and that may not go away. But hopefully, I'll learn some new skills and go on from there.
Looking ahead,
Be back soon,
Marcia
Going through the book "Anatomy of a Food Addiction: The Brain Chemistry of Overeating" by Anne Katherine, is like reliving my childhood. After doing the assignment of recalling my family members and ancestors and what addictions they had, I can see it kind of runs in the family. We have a couple of people who were alcoholics or drug users. We had some who were obese. We had some who were diabetic or had chronic illness. So, while I don't blame them, I don't have to blame me, either.
I also like that the book does not stop with the explanation of how sugar and starches affect my brain chemistry making me, driving me, to over eat. At first glance it seems that the way around the addiction is by giving up the sugar and then life will be grand. So sorry, it does not work exactly that way. That would be the "diet mentality." Dieting does not actually work for a food addict either, because there are other things going on than just food chemistry.
At some point we (addicts) learned to sacrifice our emotional needs for our physical well being. The adults we were around were not very skilled at cuddling us or paying attention to us or teaching us the skills to deal with the emotions of life. They are not to blame. They were not taught these things either. They were doing the best they could.
Nonetheless, in my own family, there were some forms of abuse going on. Striking anyone (a child or teen) with a belt, or punching them in the face is abuse. Not providing the affection they needed or teaching them how to deal with their inner nature is also abuse, of a different kind. Some people in other families suffered even worse. Those children went to certain adults for physical affection and cuddles and got sexually abused. So very sorry for those this happened to. Glad to say that did not happen, as far as I know, in my family. I know it did not happen to me. There were one or two odd instances of sexually inappropriate behavior (we had many kids in our family) but they were not abusive, were not repeated, and were not ever mentioned again. I don't consider those to be too important or life changing, although there may have been an affect of which I am unaware.
All these kinds of things happening to a child shapes how that child deals with life. They learn how to survive but they do not learn how to enjoy being alive. They learn that they are supposed to know things they don't know. They learn to not get too close to the edge of a cliff or they might just fall over and then be berated for being stupid. They become very responsible. They learn that there are times when they might need a cuddle but they have also learned they are not supposed to ask for what they need.
They discover that food can be comforting when they need comfort. Their adults are very busy taking care of what is important to adults... like work or cleaning or whatever they are occupied with. The child learns to keep things hidden from their adults and they may turn to food (or other substances) which actually does give a real and physical kind of comfort, if only for a short time. They learn to trust the process of eating, even after they begin to understand it also does them harm.
The generic descriptions I was reading actually brought back specific memories of my own. Little instances that verified what the author was saying about how the addiction grows. I remember when I was a young adult wishing that I had had the opportunity to go to "charm school" because I had such a rough time with relationships.
This is not a book about wallowing, or blaming, it appears to be simply a way to open my eyes a little so I can begin to learn how to deal with things another way. It is pointing out the need. The promise is that I will learn a much more healthy way to deal with the stresses of life.
I am intrigued and hopeful. I'm also a little scared, but, I shall forge ahead. I want to get beyond this over eating thing once and for all. I know I will have to continue to exercise my new skills for the rest of my life, because, from experience, and from the author's writing, I already know my brain acts differently and that may not go away. But hopefully, I'll learn some new skills and go on from there.
Looking ahead,
Be back soon,
Marcia
Monday, May 27, 2013
Maping the Binges
After my last post about the binging I am a little relieved that I got no actual comments except from a dear friend who said I was brave and that she loved me. Means a lot.
I remembered a book that I had been told about and looked it up on Amazon.com and bought the kindle version. It is called "Anatomy of a Food Addiction: The Brain Chemistry of Overeating." I do not recall who recommended it, but I think it may have been Dr. Mercola, (maybe not) who said that it was the best book about (food) addiction that he had read. That is why I knew I had the addiction. I've known for a long time and have been trying to deal with it on my own. I now realize I need some kind of help or guidance and am hoping this book will provide what I need.
I can see that the book, which has homework assignments, is helping me to take a look at the triggers for my particular addiction. Two that I have noticed, and kind of knew about and blogged about before, are the end of a TV program or movie, and ending a fast. I have two kinds of binges. One is when I don't have any food in the house and I go out and buy junk food which is the one I described in my previous post.
The other one tends to be on the day, and the day after, I go grocery shopping. I bring home all the food that I've bought for the next week or two and put it away. I always buy myself one treat when I grocery shop. It could be anything from ice cream to crackers and cheese. I don't buy candy as a treat, under these circumstances. Usually. It is more likely to be cheese, nuts, and/or crackers with veggie cream cheese. I consider myself to be doing low carb so any carby item would be a treat.
What happens is I shop, I bring every thing home, I unload the car, I put things away and then, since I am tired, I give myself a reward. I've usually been thinking about it for the whole drive home, during the unload, and the put away, too. Then I open it up and dive in. This will sometimes seem to give me permission to have something more, too. I don't usually gorge during this kind of a binge but I do eat until I am full. Sometimes I "push eat" by continuing to eat during the rest of the evening. The next day, whether I binge again depends on if I have anything left over from the night before. Or if I bought myself some other items disguised as "healthy food."
A picture has come up in my mind of when Mom and Dad bought groceries and would come home and we would all have ice cream. Hmmmmm.
Another thing the book points out is "rule breaking" habits. Like when you know you are in an area where you are tempted to eat or buy things you know you should not so you start setting up rules for yourself. Like, "When I go in the Quick Stop, I'm only going to buy one candy bar," then when you go in you buy two. Rule Broken. Then you make the rule that, "I'm not going to buy any chips to go with the candy," and then you buy a bag of chips. Then you tell yourself, "I'm only going to eat 3 chips, and then you eat half the bag." Another rule broken. Then you say, "I'll eat the rest of these tomorrow," and put them aside -- although not actually 'away' in the cupboard. Then later in the evening you eat the rest of the bag. Every rule that was set up to protect yourself was broken, in a long string of broken promises. These are signs of addictive behavior. Just like the alcoholic who promises to have one drink, but then drinks the rest of the night until he/she is falling down drunk. They are addicted. Just like I am.
What I am also being told in the book is that certain chemicals cause the brain to think like this.
It is very interesting reading but is also a bit confrontive, so I have to read it piecemeal. I am doing the home work so I get the full benefits -- if I can. I'm not sure I can change my addictive binge behavior but the author, Anne Katherine, seems to believe that if I stick with it and do the exercises I can get beyond it.
I hope so,
Be back soon,
Marcia
I remembered a book that I had been told about and looked it up on Amazon.com and bought the kindle version. It is called "Anatomy of a Food Addiction: The Brain Chemistry of Overeating." I do not recall who recommended it, but I think it may have been Dr. Mercola, (maybe not) who said that it was the best book about (food) addiction that he had read. That is why I knew I had the addiction. I've known for a long time and have been trying to deal with it on my own. I now realize I need some kind of help or guidance and am hoping this book will provide what I need.
I can see that the book, which has homework assignments, is helping me to take a look at the triggers for my particular addiction. Two that I have noticed, and kind of knew about and blogged about before, are the end of a TV program or movie, and ending a fast. I have two kinds of binges. One is when I don't have any food in the house and I go out and buy junk food which is the one I described in my previous post.
The other one tends to be on the day, and the day after, I go grocery shopping. I bring home all the food that I've bought for the next week or two and put it away. I always buy myself one treat when I grocery shop. It could be anything from ice cream to crackers and cheese. I don't buy candy as a treat, under these circumstances. Usually. It is more likely to be cheese, nuts, and/or crackers with veggie cream cheese. I consider myself to be doing low carb so any carby item would be a treat.
What happens is I shop, I bring every thing home, I unload the car, I put things away and then, since I am tired, I give myself a reward. I've usually been thinking about it for the whole drive home, during the unload, and the put away, too. Then I open it up and dive in. This will sometimes seem to give me permission to have something more, too. I don't usually gorge during this kind of a binge but I do eat until I am full. Sometimes I "push eat" by continuing to eat during the rest of the evening. The next day, whether I binge again depends on if I have anything left over from the night before. Or if I bought myself some other items disguised as "healthy food."
A picture has come up in my mind of when Mom and Dad bought groceries and would come home and we would all have ice cream. Hmmmmm.
Another thing the book points out is "rule breaking" habits. Like when you know you are in an area where you are tempted to eat or buy things you know you should not so you start setting up rules for yourself. Like, "When I go in the Quick Stop, I'm only going to buy one candy bar," then when you go in you buy two. Rule Broken. Then you make the rule that, "I'm not going to buy any chips to go with the candy," and then you buy a bag of chips. Then you tell yourself, "I'm only going to eat 3 chips, and then you eat half the bag." Another rule broken. Then you say, "I'll eat the rest of these tomorrow," and put them aside -- although not actually 'away' in the cupboard. Then later in the evening you eat the rest of the bag. Every rule that was set up to protect yourself was broken, in a long string of broken promises. These are signs of addictive behavior. Just like the alcoholic who promises to have one drink, but then drinks the rest of the night until he/she is falling down drunk. They are addicted. Just like I am.
What I am also being told in the book is that certain chemicals cause the brain to think like this.
It is very interesting reading but is also a bit confrontive, so I have to read it piecemeal. I am doing the home work so I get the full benefits -- if I can. I'm not sure I can change my addictive binge behavior but the author, Anne Katherine, seems to believe that if I stick with it and do the exercises I can get beyond it.
I hope so,
Be back soon,
Marcia
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Anatomy and Affects of My Binge Eating
I'm scared. I don't want anyone to know what I am about to say. It is my hidden secret. It is also the thing that is keeping me from reaching my goal of losing weight. That's why I feel strongly that I need to get this out. I'm not only scared about what others will think of me, I am scared of what I am doing to myself. It is the thing that has secretly crept up on me from reading the things that the fasting researchers and gurus say about fasting. They seem to call the days that you are not fasting "feast" days, although I know I cannot call them that. I often refer to them as "feed" days to try to keep my brain in control. I'm also ashamed to realize that I have been doing what I "pooh, poohed."
Where did I get the permission to binge? From the idea that on days that you don't fast, you can "eat whatever you want".... this "blanket" permission was meant for normal people. Normal people CAN eat what they want, they are not morbidly obese. They are not me. They don't have an eating "disorder." I also wonder why the eating associated with being morbidly obese is not classified as an "eating disorder." What I do is what a person with bulimia does, except I don't purge. I just binge and then suffer the bodily effects of it which used to simply include putting on weight. Now that I am in my 60's the body is giving definite signs that I need to stop doing this.
Why are you writing this? What to you want to get from it? I want to do this to try to get me off this dangerous roller coaster ride. I want to get the courage to fight the battle instead of always succumbing or yielding to it. It is hard for me to not yield because the feelings are so very strong. They feel overpowering to me. They over power my good sense. I allow them to knock me off course because I so desire to do it. My lust for certain kinds of food, at that time, feels like it is stronger than I am. I know that the food I am seeking to binge on is wrong for me, but I really really want to do it.
What triggers a binge? I'm not exactly sure what the real triggers are but I have noticed that the end of a TV program always makes me hungry. I get completely caught up in whatever story I've been watching and when it ends I feel sad that I will no longer be part of their lives. I feel loss at the end of every story. I really want them to go on forever. I used to eat during every commercial break but I don't have a TV anymore. I watch movies on Netflix on my computer, now.
When does a binge happen? It nearly always happens late in the evening. Sometime around 8 p.m. and can begin as late as 1 a.m., although that is not normal. It usually happens right around 9 p.m. That is the moment I get myself ready to get in the car and go to the store because it is getting close to closing time. If I wait too long I will no longer be able to get the pictured food and will be stuck getting something else. But I've already been having the images showing up in my brain for, at the very least, an hour. I don't know how long I've been being bombarded with the desire. I always hold it at bay for a while because I know it is wrong for me.
It always starts the same way. I will suddenly see "bridge mix" in my mind and I feel pleasure in my body. I see the small round candies and I think the words and I feel anticipation. It is as if the words are spoken to me and I get the idea of them in front of me as a goal or purpose. If you don't know what bridge mix is, it is an old time mix of small chocolate covered candies. The candies inside range from malt balls, to some kind of cream candy, to raisins and nuts all in one bag. Some of the candies are covered with dark chocolate and some with milk. I'm hooked on Walgreen's brand and don't like other brands because they don't fit perfectly with what I have in mind so I have to get to Walgreen's before they close at 10 p.m.
When I'm there, I don't only buy bridge mix. By the time I show up at the store I am in complete zombie mode, my cravings and lust are at their strongest and I become like "a kid in a candy store." Although I don't limit myself to candy. In the past I always also bought a box of Black Crows which is a chewy licorice drop, but since I read that licorice can raise your blood pressure, I have actually stopped eating them. I look at and investigate the different licorice packages, but I don't buy them because the danger of raising my blood pressure is real to me and I don't want to do that. I also don't like the licorice to be too hard. If it is too hard I don't buy it. That's why I used to by the Black Crows. They are soft like I like licorice to be.
It does not stop me from looking. Looking also strengthens the lust, and expands the "field" to something salty. It is like I still toy with the idea but don't put them in my cart. I move on. Having toyed with the licorice, like foreplay, I now turn to something else. I like potato chips but they are so very salty, I'm afraid to buy them. I don't really like the taste of the excessive salt. Lays brand always feels like the right brand, but I tried them recently and just cannot handle the taste of the excessive salt. If they had some that said they were "lightly salted" I'd probably try those.
By that time, I've already passed up the small bags of bridge mix and put the large one in my cart. It always seems like buying two of the small bags is a waste of money. Look how much more I can get in the large bag for less. I don't look at the large bag in my cart again after that. It is in there and I know it. I feel the anticipation of the experience of eating them and I savor it pleasantly as I move on to the salty things.
I head for the chip aisle and look around over there but I don't pick up anything. I don't like all the fancy flavors, I like plain chips, but the salt issue prevents them from going into the cart. I keep looking because I am now on a mission. I wander up and down the two salty snack items half aisles looking for that one item I will buy. When I reach the end of the section I turn the cart around. I might circle the cart up to about four or five times as I look at each package. I pass by the cookies, I don't want them. I am looking for a suitable substitute for the chips. The looking is part of the pleasure. I end up choosing a salty snack. Often it is sesame sticks. Last night I also tried a box of pretzel crackers and a bag of Poppycock original with a candy coated popcorn and nuts. (Very few nuts.) I know it is more than what I thought I was going to buy, but I cannot say no, to me when it comes to binge food.
How do you feel while you are doing this? I feel guilty, but I purposefully ignore it. I am not going to allow my feelings of guilt to keep me from my guilty pleasure.
All resistance disappeared just before I entered the door. I turned that all off and am now hot on the trail of my pleasure and indulgence. I keep my composure as I select my cart. I don't want to appear too eager, although I actually feel very eager. It is part of the game or drama. I don't want anyone to know what I am doing, so I might wander down another aisle to camouflage that I am there only to buy bridge mix.
I pick up a few small items as I wander. Things that I actually have another need for. Last night I bought silver nail polish to hide the scraped paint on my silver car. I also bought another bottle of one of my perfumes that I was running low on. I also picked up a can of room fragrance for the one that is getting low in the guest bathroom. Doing this adds credibility to the idea that I'm not just there for the candy, although I am actually there just for the candy. I'm hiding things from the other customers and the staff. I don't worry about hiding things from the check out clerk. You cannot hide what is in your basket from the cashier. They see everything but they chat and smile and act like everything you have placed in front of them is completely normal. I pretend like it is normal in unison with them. I know it is not normal, but I deny my real intention, to myself. I never change my mind at the cashier. I tell myself that they believe I must be feeding my non-existent family. I never put anything back. I want it too much.
I have now made provision to fulfill my desire. I've done everything that was necessary in order to have in my hand what I had previously pictured in my mind. I feel satisfaction and anticipation. I used to open the bridge mix in the parking lot before I started the car so I could eat it on the way home, but by the time I got home I knew I didn't really want any more. I don't do that anymore because I want to settle back down in my chair in front of Netflix. I want to be home when I indulge. I want to zone out and start feeling the round chocolates in my mouth. I anticipate the chew and the swallow. I begin savoring the feel and the anticipated bite into the candies. I look forward to watching the next program while I shovel about three or four small candies into my mouth at a time. Over and over again.
The first bite is satisfaction. The second bite is luscious. The third bite is sweetness personified. The fourth bite is too much, but I never let that stop me. I want that same feeling I had with the first, second and third bite, which has now disappeared, but I keep looking and lusting for it. The rest of the bites are sickening but I keep going. When I've eaten about a third of the bag I become disgusted at the lack of satisfaction and switch to something salty to get the bad taste out of my mouth. I shovel the salty items in, one small handful after another, liking the taste better, but that soon gets obsolete too. I don't let that stop me though. I need some water so I have some swigs from my water bottle and eat some more of the candy and of the salty carb items, hoping to get that rush that I had previously gotten. The rush is now gone and the taste of the food is monotonous and disgusting, but I keep shoveling it in, hoping to get the rush. It never comes again. I no longer desire the food but I cannot believe it. I finally get it that this is stupid and I drop the rest of the bag into the trash.
I've usually eaten about 3/4 of the bag by the time I throw it in the trash. I always hope I leave it there. I have, in the past, pulled it out of the trash and eaten again. Eeeewww. Sometimes I can't bring myself to throw it in the trash, so I just close the bag and set it aside thinking I won't eat any more. About two hours later, I might do it all again, with the remaining contents of the bags. I did not do that last night. I just dumped them in the trash.
I always feel foolish and wonder why I did what I did. It did not even taste good. What a waste of money and time. I'm clear I am never going to do this again. The pleasure lasted for about three bites and I kept it up for a few hundred more, still hoping it would make me feel better. Still looking for the rush. Never believing what is really happening. It always ends up making me feel worse.
But I never seem to remember that part of the binge process when the "bridge mix" craving enters my head in the beginning. I never remember that the last time I did this I told me, "I'm never going to do this again." And I do it again. I used to do this once a month. I've now been doing it about every three to four days. No wonder I recently started to pack on the pounds so quickly.
Now the dread and the after binge starts in. Since I don't purge, what I have eaten now starts to affect my body. I feel a little head achy and draggy. I know that if I do nothing I will fall asleep and wake up with massive cramps in my legs. The first thing I do is take two gymnema tablets and one bitter melon to help better digest the massive amount of sugar I've just eaten and keep it from raising my blood sugar too high. I know that the electrolytes in my body are going to go out of balance because I've experienced it so many times before. I make sure to take a potassium citrate and a calcium pill. I also want it to pass through as quickly as possible so I swig down some chia seed gel which makes me "go" a little better.
About an hour later, I begin to feel my heart pounding in my chest and ears. I feel my body vibrate to each pound. It gets really loud and really strong. It is rythmic and seems greatly exaggerated. A little scary. I purposefully start to take slow deep breathes to calm down. Sometimes that helps my heart to calm down. Not always. Last night it did not help. I tried it three or four more times. I realized I might need to take some magnesium but since I had already taken the potassium and calcium those two might handle the problem.
When I laid down in bed I could feel my heart pounding even more loudly and was disturbed by it. I changed to the recliner to put me in a more upright position. I read somewhere that if you are having a heart attack you should remain seated and not lie down. I knew I was not having a heart attack because there was no pain, but I was alarmed that the pounding and upper body pulsing had not subsided.
When I sat up on the edge of the bed, it was better but I could tell it was still there, just not so "loud." In the recliner I could not hear it as intensely but could still feel it was occurring. As I drifted off to sleep I flexed my left food and it got a cramp in it. That was the immediate alarm that I needed the magnesium, so I got up and made me a cup of "Calm." The reaction was so strong that I figured I needed some potassium gluconate, too, so I took one of those, too. I drank the Calm as I played some relaxing games on the computer. It takes about 20 minutes to work. It finally kicked in and I returned to the recliner and slept.
I woke up thinking about the previous nights events. My heart was no longer pounding. I did not have foot or leg cramps and pictured writing this blog entry. I don't want to do this any more. The after effects are getting out of hand -- too strong for me to ignore.
So what will you do the next time "bridge mix" shows up? If I say, "I'm not sure," that will be a setup to continue. If I say, "I will never do it again," I might be lying to myself to make me look good to you.
Now that I have revealed the whole process I feel enlightened and a little more free. I've now laid down in writing what I previously kept hidden from all. I can no longer deny it to anyone, including and especially, me.
The Lord used to tell me over and over again that the two lusts (for food and for sex) were the same. How I got over the sex one was with a gargantuan effort, a huge struggle and complete victory with the words, "No, I am not going to do that." I remember the battle. I was only able to win with the help of Jesus.
I am preparing for that battle once more. I am resolved. I will do battle. And, with the help of Jesus, I shall be victorious.
I shall share the story of the battle because I need to win it and sharing helps me win. Knowing I'm going to share it will help me win. I need the fasting, but I need to eat properly the rest of the time. Please pray for me to have continued victory in this area.
Be back soon,
Marcia
Where did I get the permission to binge? From the idea that on days that you don't fast, you can "eat whatever you want".... this "blanket" permission was meant for normal people. Normal people CAN eat what they want, they are not morbidly obese. They are not me. They don't have an eating "disorder." I also wonder why the eating associated with being morbidly obese is not classified as an "eating disorder." What I do is what a person with bulimia does, except I don't purge. I just binge and then suffer the bodily effects of it which used to simply include putting on weight. Now that I am in my 60's the body is giving definite signs that I need to stop doing this.
Why are you writing this? What to you want to get from it? I want to do this to try to get me off this dangerous roller coaster ride. I want to get the courage to fight the battle instead of always succumbing or yielding to it. It is hard for me to not yield because the feelings are so very strong. They feel overpowering to me. They over power my good sense. I allow them to knock me off course because I so desire to do it. My lust for certain kinds of food, at that time, feels like it is stronger than I am. I know that the food I am seeking to binge on is wrong for me, but I really really want to do it.
What triggers a binge? I'm not exactly sure what the real triggers are but I have noticed that the end of a TV program always makes me hungry. I get completely caught up in whatever story I've been watching and when it ends I feel sad that I will no longer be part of their lives. I feel loss at the end of every story. I really want them to go on forever. I used to eat during every commercial break but I don't have a TV anymore. I watch movies on Netflix on my computer, now.
When does a binge happen? It nearly always happens late in the evening. Sometime around 8 p.m. and can begin as late as 1 a.m., although that is not normal. It usually happens right around 9 p.m. That is the moment I get myself ready to get in the car and go to the store because it is getting close to closing time. If I wait too long I will no longer be able to get the pictured food and will be stuck getting something else. But I've already been having the images showing up in my brain for, at the very least, an hour. I don't know how long I've been being bombarded with the desire. I always hold it at bay for a while because I know it is wrong for me.
It always starts the same way. I will suddenly see "bridge mix" in my mind and I feel pleasure in my body. I see the small round candies and I think the words and I feel anticipation. It is as if the words are spoken to me and I get the idea of them in front of me as a goal or purpose. If you don't know what bridge mix is, it is an old time mix of small chocolate covered candies. The candies inside range from malt balls, to some kind of cream candy, to raisins and nuts all in one bag. Some of the candies are covered with dark chocolate and some with milk. I'm hooked on Walgreen's brand and don't like other brands because they don't fit perfectly with what I have in mind so I have to get to Walgreen's before they close at 10 p.m.
When I'm there, I don't only buy bridge mix. By the time I show up at the store I am in complete zombie mode, my cravings and lust are at their strongest and I become like "a kid in a candy store." Although I don't limit myself to candy. In the past I always also bought a box of Black Crows which is a chewy licorice drop, but since I read that licorice can raise your blood pressure, I have actually stopped eating them. I look at and investigate the different licorice packages, but I don't buy them because the danger of raising my blood pressure is real to me and I don't want to do that. I also don't like the licorice to be too hard. If it is too hard I don't buy it. That's why I used to by the Black Crows. They are soft like I like licorice to be.
It does not stop me from looking. Looking also strengthens the lust, and expands the "field" to something salty. It is like I still toy with the idea but don't put them in my cart. I move on. Having toyed with the licorice, like foreplay, I now turn to something else. I like potato chips but they are so very salty, I'm afraid to buy them. I don't really like the taste of the excessive salt. Lays brand always feels like the right brand, but I tried them recently and just cannot handle the taste of the excessive salt. If they had some that said they were "lightly salted" I'd probably try those.
By that time, I've already passed up the small bags of bridge mix and put the large one in my cart. It always seems like buying two of the small bags is a waste of money. Look how much more I can get in the large bag for less. I don't look at the large bag in my cart again after that. It is in there and I know it. I feel the anticipation of the experience of eating them and I savor it pleasantly as I move on to the salty things.
I head for the chip aisle and look around over there but I don't pick up anything. I don't like all the fancy flavors, I like plain chips, but the salt issue prevents them from going into the cart. I keep looking because I am now on a mission. I wander up and down the two salty snack items half aisles looking for that one item I will buy. When I reach the end of the section I turn the cart around. I might circle the cart up to about four or five times as I look at each package. I pass by the cookies, I don't want them. I am looking for a suitable substitute for the chips. The looking is part of the pleasure. I end up choosing a salty snack. Often it is sesame sticks. Last night I also tried a box of pretzel crackers and a bag of Poppycock original with a candy coated popcorn and nuts. (Very few nuts.) I know it is more than what I thought I was going to buy, but I cannot say no, to me when it comes to binge food.
How do you feel while you are doing this? I feel guilty, but I purposefully ignore it. I am not going to allow my feelings of guilt to keep me from my guilty pleasure.
All resistance disappeared just before I entered the door. I turned that all off and am now hot on the trail of my pleasure and indulgence. I keep my composure as I select my cart. I don't want to appear too eager, although I actually feel very eager. It is part of the game or drama. I don't want anyone to know what I am doing, so I might wander down another aisle to camouflage that I am there only to buy bridge mix.
I pick up a few small items as I wander. Things that I actually have another need for. Last night I bought silver nail polish to hide the scraped paint on my silver car. I also bought another bottle of one of my perfumes that I was running low on. I also picked up a can of room fragrance for the one that is getting low in the guest bathroom. Doing this adds credibility to the idea that I'm not just there for the candy, although I am actually there just for the candy. I'm hiding things from the other customers and the staff. I don't worry about hiding things from the check out clerk. You cannot hide what is in your basket from the cashier. They see everything but they chat and smile and act like everything you have placed in front of them is completely normal. I pretend like it is normal in unison with them. I know it is not normal, but I deny my real intention, to myself. I never change my mind at the cashier. I tell myself that they believe I must be feeding my non-existent family. I never put anything back. I want it too much.
I have now made provision to fulfill my desire. I've done everything that was necessary in order to have in my hand what I had previously pictured in my mind. I feel satisfaction and anticipation. I used to open the bridge mix in the parking lot before I started the car so I could eat it on the way home, but by the time I got home I knew I didn't really want any more. I don't do that anymore because I want to settle back down in my chair in front of Netflix. I want to be home when I indulge. I want to zone out and start feeling the round chocolates in my mouth. I anticipate the chew and the swallow. I begin savoring the feel and the anticipated bite into the candies. I look forward to watching the next program while I shovel about three or four small candies into my mouth at a time. Over and over again.
The first bite is satisfaction. The second bite is luscious. The third bite is sweetness personified. The fourth bite is too much, but I never let that stop me. I want that same feeling I had with the first, second and third bite, which has now disappeared, but I keep looking and lusting for it. The rest of the bites are sickening but I keep going. When I've eaten about a third of the bag I become disgusted at the lack of satisfaction and switch to something salty to get the bad taste out of my mouth. I shovel the salty items in, one small handful after another, liking the taste better, but that soon gets obsolete too. I don't let that stop me though. I need some water so I have some swigs from my water bottle and eat some more of the candy and of the salty carb items, hoping to get that rush that I had previously gotten. The rush is now gone and the taste of the food is monotonous and disgusting, but I keep shoveling it in, hoping to get the rush. It never comes again. I no longer desire the food but I cannot believe it. I finally get it that this is stupid and I drop the rest of the bag into the trash.
I've usually eaten about 3/4 of the bag by the time I throw it in the trash. I always hope I leave it there. I have, in the past, pulled it out of the trash and eaten again. Eeeewww. Sometimes I can't bring myself to throw it in the trash, so I just close the bag and set it aside thinking I won't eat any more. About two hours later, I might do it all again, with the remaining contents of the bags. I did not do that last night. I just dumped them in the trash.
I always feel foolish and wonder why I did what I did. It did not even taste good. What a waste of money and time. I'm clear I am never going to do this again. The pleasure lasted for about three bites and I kept it up for a few hundred more, still hoping it would make me feel better. Still looking for the rush. Never believing what is really happening. It always ends up making me feel worse.
But I never seem to remember that part of the binge process when the "bridge mix" craving enters my head in the beginning. I never remember that the last time I did this I told me, "I'm never going to do this again." And I do it again. I used to do this once a month. I've now been doing it about every three to four days. No wonder I recently started to pack on the pounds so quickly.
Now the dread and the after binge starts in. Since I don't purge, what I have eaten now starts to affect my body. I feel a little head achy and draggy. I know that if I do nothing I will fall asleep and wake up with massive cramps in my legs. The first thing I do is take two gymnema tablets and one bitter melon to help better digest the massive amount of sugar I've just eaten and keep it from raising my blood sugar too high. I know that the electrolytes in my body are going to go out of balance because I've experienced it so many times before. I make sure to take a potassium citrate and a calcium pill. I also want it to pass through as quickly as possible so I swig down some chia seed gel which makes me "go" a little better.
About an hour later, I begin to feel my heart pounding in my chest and ears. I feel my body vibrate to each pound. It gets really loud and really strong. It is rythmic and seems greatly exaggerated. A little scary. I purposefully start to take slow deep breathes to calm down. Sometimes that helps my heart to calm down. Not always. Last night it did not help. I tried it three or four more times. I realized I might need to take some magnesium but since I had already taken the potassium and calcium those two might handle the problem.
When I laid down in bed I could feel my heart pounding even more loudly and was disturbed by it. I changed to the recliner to put me in a more upright position. I read somewhere that if you are having a heart attack you should remain seated and not lie down. I knew I was not having a heart attack because there was no pain, but I was alarmed that the pounding and upper body pulsing had not subsided.
When I sat up on the edge of the bed, it was better but I could tell it was still there, just not so "loud." In the recliner I could not hear it as intensely but could still feel it was occurring. As I drifted off to sleep I flexed my left food and it got a cramp in it. That was the immediate alarm that I needed the magnesium, so I got up and made me a cup of "Calm." The reaction was so strong that I figured I needed some potassium gluconate, too, so I took one of those, too. I drank the Calm as I played some relaxing games on the computer. It takes about 20 minutes to work. It finally kicked in and I returned to the recliner and slept.
I woke up thinking about the previous nights events. My heart was no longer pounding. I did not have foot or leg cramps and pictured writing this blog entry. I don't want to do this any more. The after effects are getting out of hand -- too strong for me to ignore.
So what will you do the next time "bridge mix" shows up? If I say, "I'm not sure," that will be a setup to continue. If I say, "I will never do it again," I might be lying to myself to make me look good to you.
Now that I have revealed the whole process I feel enlightened and a little more free. I've now laid down in writing what I previously kept hidden from all. I can no longer deny it to anyone, including and especially, me.
The Lord used to tell me over and over again that the two lusts (for food and for sex) were the same. How I got over the sex one was with a gargantuan effort, a huge struggle and complete victory with the words, "No, I am not going to do that." I remember the battle. I was only able to win with the help of Jesus.
I am preparing for that battle once more. I am resolved. I will do battle. And, with the help of Jesus, I shall be victorious.
I shall share the story of the battle because I need to win it and sharing helps me win. Knowing I'm going to share it will help me win. I need the fasting, but I need to eat properly the rest of the time. Please pray for me to have continued victory in this area.
Be back soon,
Marcia
Monday, May 13, 2013
Skinny Water
As I continue to watch the BBC series "Supersize Vs. Superskinny" on Youtube, I keep finding bits of inspiration and ideas that I think might help me to reshape my thinking about the subject of food, eating, fasting, and losing weight.
Clearly I have beliefs about how and what I eat that seem to work against me rather than for me. It all still boils down to "if you want to lose weight, you have to eat less" but eating "more" is a hard habit to break.
One of the things that I have noticed about the two polar opposites between the supersized and the superskinny is that neither one is sane about food. The one seems to be focused on continually eating and the other is focused on continually not eating. One gets by on as much as they can humanly consume and the other gets by on as little.
They both seem to indulge in what they like. There are as many of the skinnies eating junk food and chocolate bars as there are fatties. It is just that the skinnies eat one chocolate bar and call that a meal, whereas the fatties, eat a whole bag of chocolates as dessert after a large meal.
It really is all about portions. Imagine eating chocolate for breakfast every single day of your life and being skinny. Some of them do that. The problem is that for the rest of the day they don't eat regular meals. Some of these adults eat child sized portions when they do eat, and then drink energy drinks or whatever they are hooked on, even cola, instead of meals for the rest of the day. One busy young man drank four glasses of orange juice for his evening meal, every day. It seems that about every three days or so the skinnies might eat what could be called a meal and often it is the same exact meal every time they eat. They are not hooked on variety or the tastes or textures of food, except that some of them are super picky and there are a lot of things they won't eat because they are unappealing to them in some way.
It seems like an odd phenomenon to this supersizer. Clearly both of these groups of people operate within a set of beliefs that they have somehow created for themselves.
Another thing I've noticed as I have been fasting is about water. I've learned to drink water when I get the feeling of hunger while I'm fasting. I have no qualms about drinking water often to quench my desire for food. And it helps.
As I put these things together in my head I've come up with the idea of how our hunter gatherer ancestors may have related to their environment in ways that I had not considered before.
We need air all the time and under normal conditions we have no worries about that. It is always there and we don't think about it. It was the same for our ancestors.
I always thought that the next two things that are needed for survival were food and water, but I am beginning to think I may have that backwards. I think it should be water and food. I think it is clear that we can go for weeks on end without food, if we have to and we remain alive, although this is surely not desirable or easy. Thinking about people lost in a desert in the movies they seem to only be able to go without water for about 3 or 4 days before collapsing.
Our ancestors often settled down wherever there was fresh clean water available so the air and water were free. It was the food that we had to work for. Whether it was hunting or gathering you had to go out and find the food. That is why the "invention" of agriculture allowed civilizations to settle down and grow up. If you have to hunt for the food every day you don't expect to get three big meals a day. I think "three square meals" may be a modern invention and that how we are meant to eat is small portions for a few days and then a big portion -- you know, the day they caught a water buffalo and had a feast!!
So when considered in that fashion, it makes sense to think that drinking water is higher on the priority list which is: 1 air, 2 water, 3 food. (I'm not concerned with shelter or anything else for this discussion.) It seems it may have been much easier to go to the near by stream and get a bucket of water than to traipse around looking for berries and bunnies whenever you got that "I want something feeling."
Using both my experience from fasting, and what I've observed in the "skinnies," drinking water during an intermittent fast is not only essential to health, it makes perfect sense that it is a natural "substitute" for food. I call it "substitute" based on my life long belief that that feeling meant I was hungry. I've mentioned before that I still cannot tell the difference between hunger and thirst. We respond to those feelings based on our beliefs.
I think the thing that seems hardest for me to do is to reduce my portion size. I have always been what I thought of as "a big eater." This was brought home to me tonight when Dr Jessen said to one of the very slender women who wanted desperately to put weight on, that she needed to stop eating child-sized portions and start eating lady-sized portions. I had never heard it called that before, but I knew immediately that I needed to stop eating big and start eating like a lady. LOL I just heard that tonight.
That is why fasting appeals to me. It lets me still eat "big" every other day or so.
I have actually been working on portions but I still seem to want to dabble in big more often than I'm beginning to believe I should. I have reduced my plate size but I most often eat out of a bowl. I have always preferred and deep bowl to a shallow one for a couple of reasons. The first one being it holds more. The second being it is easier to control the food in the bowl if it has high sides. I always eat my scrambled eggs in a bowl with a spoon. It just makes better sense to me.
I thought it was funny when a friend looked down her nose at my offer of a bowl and spoon when I fed her scrambled eggs at my house. She insisted on a plate and fork and I could tell by her demeaner that she thought I was really stupid. I actually thought she was just stuck in her ways! It is so much easier to scoop them with a spoon and get every last bit, than to try to stab something with a fork that always gets away or falls off or breaks apart. I don't really care what others think about this, I still prefer the spoon for floppy food. It just makes more sense to me.
Anyway I've been resisting the shallow bowl idea because I just don't like them. I have been picturing the contents of the deep bowl as prettier if it sits in the bottom of the bowl and only fills it about half way. That has been helping.
Now if I can only get enough sense to stop binging. So far I'm doing better with that in the last few days. My weight has been going down in small increments every day so I am pleased with that and hope I'm back to where I was by the time I go to the doctor on the 15th, although I'm not sure that is possible. I guess I'll see.
Be back soon,
Marcia
Clearly I have beliefs about how and what I eat that seem to work against me rather than for me. It all still boils down to "if you want to lose weight, you have to eat less" but eating "more" is a hard habit to break.
One of the things that I have noticed about the two polar opposites between the supersized and the superskinny is that neither one is sane about food. The one seems to be focused on continually eating and the other is focused on continually not eating. One gets by on as much as they can humanly consume and the other gets by on as little.
They both seem to indulge in what they like. There are as many of the skinnies eating junk food and chocolate bars as there are fatties. It is just that the skinnies eat one chocolate bar and call that a meal, whereas the fatties, eat a whole bag of chocolates as dessert after a large meal.
It really is all about portions. Imagine eating chocolate for breakfast every single day of your life and being skinny. Some of them do that. The problem is that for the rest of the day they don't eat regular meals. Some of these adults eat child sized portions when they do eat, and then drink energy drinks or whatever they are hooked on, even cola, instead of meals for the rest of the day. One busy young man drank four glasses of orange juice for his evening meal, every day. It seems that about every three days or so the skinnies might eat what could be called a meal and often it is the same exact meal every time they eat. They are not hooked on variety or the tastes or textures of food, except that some of them are super picky and there are a lot of things they won't eat because they are unappealing to them in some way.
It seems like an odd phenomenon to this supersizer. Clearly both of these groups of people operate within a set of beliefs that they have somehow created for themselves.
Another thing I've noticed as I have been fasting is about water. I've learned to drink water when I get the feeling of hunger while I'm fasting. I have no qualms about drinking water often to quench my desire for food. And it helps.
As I put these things together in my head I've come up with the idea of how our hunter gatherer ancestors may have related to their environment in ways that I had not considered before.
We need air all the time and under normal conditions we have no worries about that. It is always there and we don't think about it. It was the same for our ancestors.
I always thought that the next two things that are needed for survival were food and water, but I am beginning to think I may have that backwards. I think it should be water and food. I think it is clear that we can go for weeks on end without food, if we have to and we remain alive, although this is surely not desirable or easy. Thinking about people lost in a desert in the movies they seem to only be able to go without water for about 3 or 4 days before collapsing.
Our ancestors often settled down wherever there was fresh clean water available so the air and water were free. It was the food that we had to work for. Whether it was hunting or gathering you had to go out and find the food. That is why the "invention" of agriculture allowed civilizations to settle down and grow up. If you have to hunt for the food every day you don't expect to get three big meals a day. I think "three square meals" may be a modern invention and that how we are meant to eat is small portions for a few days and then a big portion -- you know, the day they caught a water buffalo and had a feast!!
So when considered in that fashion, it makes sense to think that drinking water is higher on the priority list which is: 1 air, 2 water, 3 food. (I'm not concerned with shelter or anything else for this discussion.) It seems it may have been much easier to go to the near by stream and get a bucket of water than to traipse around looking for berries and bunnies whenever you got that "I want something feeling."
Using both my experience from fasting, and what I've observed in the "skinnies," drinking water during an intermittent fast is not only essential to health, it makes perfect sense that it is a natural "substitute" for food. I call it "substitute" based on my life long belief that that feeling meant I was hungry. I've mentioned before that I still cannot tell the difference between hunger and thirst. We respond to those feelings based on our beliefs.
I think the thing that seems hardest for me to do is to reduce my portion size. I have always been what I thought of as "a big eater." This was brought home to me tonight when Dr Jessen said to one of the very slender women who wanted desperately to put weight on, that she needed to stop eating child-sized portions and start eating lady-sized portions. I had never heard it called that before, but I knew immediately that I needed to stop eating big and start eating like a lady. LOL I just heard that tonight.
That is why fasting appeals to me. It lets me still eat "big" every other day or so.
I have actually been working on portions but I still seem to want to dabble in big more often than I'm beginning to believe I should. I have reduced my plate size but I most often eat out of a bowl. I have always preferred and deep bowl to a shallow one for a couple of reasons. The first one being it holds more. The second being it is easier to control the food in the bowl if it has high sides. I always eat my scrambled eggs in a bowl with a spoon. It just makes better sense to me.
I thought it was funny when a friend looked down her nose at my offer of a bowl and spoon when I fed her scrambled eggs at my house. She insisted on a plate and fork and I could tell by her demeaner that she thought I was really stupid. I actually thought she was just stuck in her ways! It is so much easier to scoop them with a spoon and get every last bit, than to try to stab something with a fork that always gets away or falls off or breaks apart. I don't really care what others think about this, I still prefer the spoon for floppy food. It just makes more sense to me.
Anyway I've been resisting the shallow bowl idea because I just don't like them. I have been picturing the contents of the deep bowl as prettier if it sits in the bottom of the bowl and only fills it about half way. That has been helping.
Now if I can only get enough sense to stop binging. So far I'm doing better with that in the last few days. My weight has been going down in small increments every day so I am pleased with that and hope I'm back to where I was by the time I go to the doctor on the 15th, although I'm not sure that is possible. I guess I'll see.
Be back soon,
Marcia
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