OK. That Didn't Work -- But God Did! Amen

What didn't work? The idea to substitute fruit for binge ingredients. It really just kind of made things worse. The thing about carbs and craving and binging is that, what you ate a little while ago, or the previous meal, will have an effect on your next meal, or hunger episode. Hello!! That's why they call it a "binge." Trying to substitute fruit was the same idea as doing medical meth for other drugs. You are still hooked on drugs. I was still hooked on sweets.

I was still out of control, but, oddly enough, my A1C turned out to be 5.5 which is pretty good and below the pre-diabetes level. I was really surprised to see that. That proves to me that I don't need to worry about cooked vegetables as much as I had been lead to believe. Live and learn.

That did not help the weight gain, though, which is the thing that is still haunting me. I have now put back on twenty pounds and am really flabbergasted by that. It happened in one month's time and feels like a train wreck to me.

I finally heard the message at church that I needed to turn THIS over to the Lord and ask Him to do for me what I could not do for myself. God is so amazing. I also asked him to point out to me the effects of the binging so I would not forget and begin to think it was OK again.

The first thing I noticed was during a binge on bridge mix and spice drops that I could feel my heart beating in my whole body. My body felt like it was throbbing to the beat of my heart. I purposefully began taking deep relaxing breathes which helped things to calm down. That was the reminder of the "pressure" that is associated with craving and binging. The whole concept of craving is the idea of being forced to go get the item that is being pictured in the head. The pressure is real. The pushing, craving, gnawing is real. Taking deep relaxing breathes helped to reduce the felt pressure.

That night when I tucked into bed, I suddenly noticed my heart felt like it was fluttering very quickly and when I checked my pulse I could not find one. It lasted only a few short seconds, and I have not had one since, but it really shocked me. God was showing me what binging does to my body. That is what I had asked for: knowledge and experience that would not allow me to continue down the wrong path.

The next morning He inspired me with a new concept -- at least it is new for me. I looked and noticed that there is a difference between the lusting pressure for food, (picture the open mouths of little birds clamoring to be fed) and how a mother feeds her family (mother bird feeds properly). The operative word being "feed." I know that if I had had children I would have insisted on feeding them to the highest degree of healthy eating knowledge that I had attained -- just as my own mother did. It involves a responsibility to the ones you are feeding. I believe I would use the guidelines that I know and I would orchestrate the feeding of my family according to it. I realized that that is what I want to do for myself. Instead of "eating", I would be "feeding" me. Feeding also implies healthy and well managed with purpose.

I'm not sure I can explain the difference so that someone else will understand what that means to me, but I shall attempt it. This is certainly my own subjective experience but I shall try to shine a light on it, in case it helps some one else, and also so I can remember it myself. So what I need to keep a tight reign on is the difference between the experience of eating which involves, consuming, smelling, tasting, chewing, swallowing, and repeating for the unbridled pleasure of it -- and the idea of feeding myself properly. This is completely subjective. It also involves other feelings in my body that I associate with eating and craving and enjoying food.

So I'm choosing to use the terms "consuming", and "feeding." Feeding being a well managed plan, executed in a balanced and healthy manner. Consuming being the act of eating which may include craving and/or binging. Consuming is taking in -- Feeding is watching over and giving.

I've unconsciously thought of "feeding" as something you do for someone else. You feed your kids. You feed your family. You feed your friends. I, for some odd reason, had never though of "feeding" in a relationship between me and myself. Feeding involves a plan and a purpose. Consuming is about pleasure.

So why could I not get pleasure from a plan and a purpose for feeding me, in the same way I would do for feeding others?

The first time I put the plan into operation was when I went to a buffet with a friend. We both had talked about out of control eating at a buffet which, for me, is the experience of knowing I can choose as much as I want of anything I want, and then being lead only by my eyes -- or the appeal of the presentation. If I saw it and liked it, it would go on my plate (even though I usually still avoid starchy carbs). I did have a sense that I needed salad but the fact that I like it, helped to get it onto my plate. There is also pressure to think that you want to "get your money's worth."

So we both decided to do it another way. On the outside it probably appeared to be the same, but it was really different inside. We made a point to talk about what each one of us was planning to do, after we paid to get in, but before we began choosing food. In fact we actually made the plan in the car on the way over. My plan was simply to eat only vegetables and meat. His plan was to eat more vegetables and smaller portions.

Then God inspired us to pray for His help to make the right choices and stick to our individual plan. So we were not doing the blessing on the food (yet) we asked God to be in charge of us and our plates before anything was placed on them.

Then we went our separate ways and filled our plates and met back at the table. I did my usual heaped up salad  and realized that I did usually follow the plan up to this point. For me the point of departure in the past was always afterwards and involved more portions and desserts. But I had a new plan this time, with the help of God.

When we met at the table we examined each others plates and talked about it a little. He had more vegetables and color on his plate than I had ever seen before. He said he had gone for more vegetables and less meat. Mine looked like it always did, except that I had included some blue cheese dressing mixed with Ranch. I was happy to be on track, and so was he.

Then when the salad plate was done, I decided, before I left the table, that I was going to get some steamed broccoli and meat loaf. I came back with the broccoli and also some brussels sprouts and the aforementioned meat loaf with spaghetti sauce on it for flavor. (I forget what he did.) When I was done eating, leaving a small amount of leftovers (very unusual), my stomach signaled that it was full, and I heard and obeyed. I had no reason to go get any dessert, and actually, it did not seem appealing. I was glad. Thank you Lord.

So the key is the prayer and trusting God -- and the plan and the decision to feed me properly and not eat indiscriminately is what He gave me. Thank you Lord! He never leaves us! Praise God!

Be back soon,

Marcia