13 Steps for Washing Your Cat

This has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was funny and copied it from a friends facebook page in the hope that you might enjoy it also. I think it has circulated around the internet for a while so you may have already seen it. I have edited it to suit my style and sense of humor, and hope you enjoy the laugh:


13 Steps for Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. They believe that, somehow, they "lick" themselves clean.  Well, contrary to popular belief, cats do not have some exotic and mysterious enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis the dog, do get dirty and may exude a variety of obnoxious scents. They can go from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year, to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will eat anything.)  We all know that cats hate water, and we also all know that giving the cat a sedative to ease the process of bathing is out of the question. Cats do not take pills.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to the tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. You are dealing with a cat and although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you he is small. You, on the other hand, are large and vulnerable but you do have the ability to wear protective garments. (So you do have this one thing in your favor.)

1. First, dressing for the occasion in a 4-ply rubber wet suit is of the utmost importance -- along with a helmet, metal face mask, safety glasses, golashes and a clean pair of welder’s gloves. If you have any waist-high fisherman's waders that fit snugly, you might try those, also, but they are not absolutely necessary.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred a shower curtain in three point five seconds and thus escape before the bath begins. The enclosed tub is the environment of choice if you expect to complete this task.

3. Place the Kitty Bubbles and a towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. (For safety's sake, blow drying the cat after the bath is not recommended -- small electric appliances that may fall into water during a tussle may cause electrical shock, fainting, or fire.)

4. Draw the water and fill the tub half full, making it a little warmer than needed as you still must find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down, or prone, in the tub.

5. Find your cat. After locating him/her, using the element of surprise, nonchalantly pick the cat up, as if you were simply carrying him/her to his/her favorite pillow. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once both you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is of the essence. In one single liquid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

(Remember that cats have no handles and he will now also have soapy fur. While his state of shock may have worn off, he'll still be madder than a wet hen. The phrase “madder than a wet hen” implies something more than furious. If the hen is mad, your cat is even madder, so the cat is now, in fact, a combination of outraged, livid, and furious – at you.)

7. As best you can (wearing welder's gloves) try to field his body as he catapults through the air back and forth across the tub enclosure, heading toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles while his body is fully exposed and flying by your face.

8. During the five seconds you may be able to grab hold of him, rub vigorously but gently. No need to worry about rinsing. As he attempts to climb the glass enclosure he will naturally slide down the wall and fall back into the tub, thoroughly rinsing himself as he flails in the water.

9. Only attempt the "lather and rinse" process two times. More than this is not usually necessary, recommended, nor possible.  The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass and tile walls by then and will then make a mad clawing dash up your body.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to some location of your body.  We suggest at this point that you drain the tub and, in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your body, hanging precariously from the edge of your helmet, rapidly clawing your face mask and safety goggles with his hind legs.  Although this view of the cat is disturbing, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure the cat is firmly swaddled in the towel before opening the tub enclosure. Next, step out of the tub, quickly open the bathroom door, and put the towel-wrapped cat on the floor. Rapidly step back into the tub area while hastily closing the glass door behind you. (If possible.) Do not open the tub enclosure again until all you can see is the shredded towel remains scattered about the bath room.

13. In about three hours it will be safe to exit the bath tub enclosure.  Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere, looking like a small hedgehog plotting revenge. It may take a few weeks or months for the cat to forgive you so have plenty of kitty snacks on hand and don’t look him in the eye – you will not be able to handle it.

 Be back soon :)

--Marcia