Noticing the Thinking, and the Trusting

As I continue to go through the exercises outlined in the "Anatomy of a Food Addiction: The Brain Chemistry of Overeating" by Anne Katherine, I've been reliving some painful childhood memories. Yesterday, after I felt I had done enough for one day, I put it aside.

I guess if you are going to change your life now, you sometimes have to delve into "why" you do what you do -- and very importantly "what" you did in response to it in the past -- in order to have the knowledge to change your behavior now. It certainly brought back up a lot of pain. But, now that I'm an adult, and I do have some experience in redirecting my thinking I can see that I needed to take a look at these things once more so I can, perhaps, get beyond my childhood decisions about them and make new ones.

I also went back and read the blog posts I wrote as I started this process. In re-reading them, two things stood out to me that I had not really noticed as I wrote and I want to remember them. So that is what I am about to share with you... and with myself.

"The looking is part of the pleasure..." -- that is the first thing that kind of shouted to me. By "looking" which in context meant seeking up and down the aisles for binge food, but in retrospect also means "fantasizing" or "picturing" in my head, I am reinforcing the binge behavior. The "looking" is part of the binge behavior -- it strengthens the lust. It seems that having an alternative plan of action may help end this situation.

I know from previous experience in dealing with anxiety that human beings (me) respond to our own thoughts with feelings. The feelings follow the thoughts. If you nurture scary thoughts, you will have scary feelings. If you nip the scary thoughts as soon as you recognize them, you then nip the scary feelings, too, thus allowing peace a place inside yourself. It appears to me that there is a similar thing happening in the binge eating process -- or mechanism. Feelings that are following thoughts, and actions that are following feelings. So it always starts with a thought, passes through a feeling, and ends with an action.

I am thinking that one way to help disconnect a binge may be that when I notice I am fantasizing about food, that I can first acknowledge it, then put up the stop sign, and then redirect my thinking in the same way that I redirect other non-essential, non-profitable, thinking. I am not absolutely sure this will work because of the physical chemistry involved, too, but I do at least have something I feel I can depend on. I also think it will require prayer, because I need the strength and help that only the Lord provides -- Lord willing.

Thoughts sometime come in long trains. There is even the expression a "train of thought." Thoughts come one after the other in seemingly logical progression -- one triggers the next one. The odd thing is that in reality not every thought is either logical or of enough importance to continue riding the train to the destination. Not all thoughts are even true. I already know that trains of scary thoughts ALWAYS lead to the exact same destination. Thoughts that go "round and round" in your head serve their only purpose which is to make you feel bad. They are a kind of self inflicted punishment, but, once you realize that, you can unplug the punishment, before it gets to the feeling, or the action. In the same way that a person can only be punished once by a court of law for their crimes, we need to realize that it is pointless to continue punishing ourselves over and over for the same "crime." That is what forgiveness is for -- to end the punishment.

The good news is that once you recognize which train has started, you don't have to ride that train any more. You can stop the train and get off. I have learned that when I recognize a thought, that I have usually seen before, and I know where it leads, I can choose to either follow it to the same destination, OR, I can put up the stop sign and get off the train. It helps to have another, more preferable set of thoughts to turn to when needed. I am a Christian so I know that turning to soothing scriptures are an excellent way to redirect my thinking, and rekindle my faith in Jesus. The 23rd Psalm is my "go to" redirect. Also recalling and reciting the words, "I am loved, and I am worthwhile," which are words that I've shared about before that the Lord gave to me, specifically. Using these not only redirects my thinking but also helps me to feel nurtured, too.

As I've been going through the exercises in the book, the experiences I've been reliving are the ones where I was not properly nurtured as a child in the first place. I made some decisions as a child in response to those incidents and, thank God, I know that I can now, as an adult, supply the nurturing I need. I am no longer a child without resources or training. I am now a grown up with resources and skills. I am feeling a real sense of joy and relief from recalling this.

The second thing that stood out to me was the phrase: "They learn to trust the process of eating..." and then to myself, in wonder, I added, "instead of trusting the Lord."

Wow. Trusting the process of eating. I think this is a big one. As I look at it, I see that I really do trust the process of eating to give me comfort, and satisfaction, and joy. It is almost thrilling to think about the process of eating. So amazing that I have so much invested in the process of eating. This is quite a revelation to me. I never noticed the truth of that before.

Balancing that thought with "instead of trusting the Lord" also gives me a new picture of what trusting the Lord is really like. What a metaphor: trusting Jesus as much as you trust the process of eating. Wow. Truly trusting the Lord.

I need to chew on that one for a while. (Yes I noticed the eating metaphor, there.)

I want to kind of bask in it for a while and experience trusting Jesus as much as I trust the process of eating. I'm happy.

Thank you, Lord!!

Be back soon,

Marcia