Anatomy and Affects of My Binge Eating

I'm scared. I don't want anyone to know what I am about to say. It is my hidden secret. It is also the thing that is keeping me from reaching my goal of losing weight. That's why I feel strongly that I need to get this out. I'm not only scared about what others will think of me, I am scared of what I am doing to myself. It is the thing that has secretly crept up on me from reading the things that the fasting researchers and gurus say about fasting. They seem to call the days that you are not fasting "feast" days, although I know I cannot call them that. I often refer to them as "feed" days to try to keep my brain in control. I'm also ashamed to realize that I have been doing what I "pooh, poohed."

Where did I get the permission to binge? From the idea that on days that you don't fast, you can "eat whatever you want".... this "blanket" permission was meant for normal people. Normal people CAN eat what they want, they are not morbidly obese. They are not me. They don't have an eating "disorder." I also wonder why the eating associated with being morbidly obese is not classified as an "eating disorder." What I do is what a person with bulimia does, except I don't purge. I just binge and then suffer the bodily effects of it which used to simply include putting on weight. Now that I am in my 60's the body is giving definite signs that I need to stop doing this.

Why are you writing this? What to you want to get from it? I want to do this to try to get me off this dangerous roller coaster ride. I want to get the courage to fight the battle instead of always succumbing or yielding to it. It is hard for me to not yield because the feelings are so very strong. They feel overpowering to me. They over power my good sense. I allow them to knock me off course because I so desire to do it. My lust for certain kinds of food, at that time, feels like it is stronger than I am. I know that the food I am seeking to binge on is wrong for me, but I really really want to do it.

What triggers a binge? I'm not exactly sure what the real triggers are but I have noticed that the end of a TV program always makes me hungry. I get completely caught up in whatever story I've been watching and when it ends I feel sad that I will no longer be part of their lives. I feel loss at the end of every story. I really want them to go on forever. I used to eat during every commercial break but I don't have a TV anymore. I watch movies on Netflix on my computer, now.

When does a binge happen? It nearly always happens late in the evening. Sometime around 8 p.m. and can begin as late as 1 a.m., although that is not normal. It usually happens right around 9 p.m. That is the moment I get myself ready to get in the car and go to the store because it is getting close to closing time. If I wait too long I will no longer be able to get the pictured food and will be stuck getting something else. But I've already been having the images showing up in my brain for, at the very least, an hour. I don't know how long I've been being bombarded with the desire. I always hold it at bay for a while because I know it is wrong for me.

It always starts the same way. I will suddenly see "bridge mix" in my mind and I feel pleasure in my body. I see the small round candies and I think the words and I feel anticipation. It is as if the words are spoken to me and I get the idea of them in front of me as a goal or purpose. If you don't know what bridge mix is, it is an old time mix of small chocolate covered candies. The candies inside range from malt balls, to some kind of cream candy, to raisins and nuts all in one bag. Some of the candies are covered with dark chocolate and some with milk.  I'm hooked on Walgreen's brand and don't like other brands because they don't fit perfectly with what I have in mind so I have to get to Walgreen's before they close at 10 p.m.

When I'm there, I don't only buy bridge mix. By the time I show up at the store I am in complete zombie mode, my cravings and lust are at their strongest and I become like "a kid in a candy store." Although I don't limit myself to candy. In the past I always also bought a box of Black Crows which is a chewy licorice drop, but since I read that licorice can raise your blood pressure, I have actually stopped eating them. I look at and investigate the different licorice packages, but I don't buy them because the danger of raising my blood pressure is real to me and I don't want to do that. I also don't like the licorice to be too hard. If it is too hard I don't buy it. That's why I used to by the Black Crows. They are soft like I like licorice to be.

It does not stop me from looking. Looking also strengthens the lust, and expands the "field" to something salty. It is like I still toy with the idea but don't put them in my cart. I move on. Having toyed with the licorice, like foreplay, I now turn to something else. I like potato chips but they are so very salty, I'm afraid to buy them. I don't really like the taste of the excessive salt. Lays brand always feels like the right brand, but I tried them recently and just cannot handle the taste of the excessive salt. If they had some that said they were "lightly salted" I'd probably try those.

By that time, I've already passed up the small bags of bridge mix and put the large one in my cart. It always seems like buying two of the small bags is a waste of money. Look how much more I can get in the large bag for less. I don't look at the large bag in my cart again after that. It is in there and I know it. I feel the anticipation of the experience of eating them and I savor it pleasantly as I move on to the salty things.

I head for the chip aisle and look around over there but I don't pick up anything. I don't like all the fancy flavors, I like plain chips, but the salt issue prevents them from going into the cart. I keep looking because I am now on a mission. I wander up and down the two salty snack items half aisles looking for that one item I will buy. When I reach the end of the section I turn the cart around. I might circle the cart up to about four or five times as I look at each package. I pass by the cookies, I don't want them. I am looking for a suitable substitute for the chips. The looking is part of the pleasure. I end up choosing a salty snack. Often it is sesame sticks. Last night I also tried a box of pretzel crackers and a bag of Poppycock original with a candy coated popcorn and nuts. (Very few nuts.) I know it is more than what I thought I was going to buy, but I cannot say no, to me when it comes to binge food.

How do you feel while you are doing this? I feel guilty, but I purposefully ignore it. I am not going to allow my feelings of guilt to keep me from my guilty pleasure.

All resistance disappeared just before I entered the door. I turned that all off and am now hot on the trail of my pleasure and indulgence. I keep my composure as I select my cart. I don't want to appear too eager, although I actually feel very eager. It is part of the game or drama. I don't want anyone to know what I am doing, so I might wander down another aisle to camouflage that I am there only to buy bridge mix.

I pick up a few small items as I wander. Things that I actually have another need for. Last night I bought silver nail polish to hide the scraped paint on my silver car. I also bought another bottle of one of my perfumes that I was running low on. I also picked up a can of room fragrance for the one that is getting low in the guest bathroom. Doing this adds credibility to the idea that I'm not just there for the candy, although I am actually there just for the candy. I'm hiding things from the other customers and the staff. I don't worry about hiding things from the check out clerk. You cannot hide what is in your basket from the cashier. They see everything but they chat and smile and act like everything you have placed in front of them is completely normal. I pretend like it is normal in unison with them. I know it is not normal, but I deny my real intention, to myself. I never change my mind at the cashier. I tell myself that they believe I must be feeding my non-existent family. I never put anything back. I want it too much.

I have now made provision to fulfill my desire. I've done everything that was necessary in order to have in my hand what I had previously pictured in my mind. I feel satisfaction and anticipation. I used to open the bridge mix in the parking lot before I started the car so I could eat it on the way home, but by the time I got home I knew I didn't really want any more. I don't do that anymore because I want to settle back down in my chair in front of Netflix. I want to be home when I indulge. I want to zone out and start feeling the round chocolates in my mouth. I anticipate the chew and the swallow. I begin savoring the feel and the anticipated bite into the candies. I look forward to watching the next program while I shovel about three or four small candies into my mouth at a time. Over and over again.

The first bite is satisfaction. The second bite is luscious. The third bite is sweetness personified. The fourth bite is too much, but I never let that stop me. I want that same feeling I had with the first, second and third bite, which has now disappeared, but I keep looking and lusting for it. The rest of the bites are sickening but I keep going. When I've eaten about a third of the bag I become disgusted at the lack of satisfaction and switch to something salty to get the bad taste out of my mouth. I shovel the salty items in, one small handful after another, liking the taste better, but that soon gets obsolete too. I don't let that stop me though. I need some water so I have some swigs from my water bottle and eat some more of the candy and of the salty carb items, hoping to get that rush that I had previously gotten. The rush is now gone and the taste of the food is monotonous and disgusting, but I keep shoveling it in, hoping to get the rush. It never comes again. I no longer desire the food but I cannot believe it. I finally get it that this is stupid and I drop the rest of the bag into the trash.

I've usually eaten about 3/4 of the bag by the time I throw it in the trash. I always hope I leave it there. I have, in the past, pulled it out of the trash and eaten again. Eeeewww. Sometimes I can't bring myself to throw it in the trash, so I just close the bag and set it aside thinking I won't eat any more. About two hours later, I might do it all again, with the remaining contents of the bags. I did not do that last night. I just dumped them in the trash.

I always feel foolish and wonder why I did what I did. It did not even taste good. What a waste of money and time. I'm clear I am never going to do this again. The pleasure lasted for about three bites and I kept it up for a few hundred more, still hoping it would make me feel better. Still looking for the rush. Never believing what is really happening. It always ends up making me feel worse.

But I never seem to remember that part of the binge process when the "bridge mix" craving enters my head in the beginning. I never remember that the last time I did this I told me, "I'm never going to do this again." And I do it again. I used to do this once a month. I've now been doing it about every three to four days. No wonder I recently started to pack on the pounds so quickly.

Now the dread and the after binge starts in. Since I don't purge, what I have eaten now starts to affect my body. I feel a little head achy and draggy. I know that if I do nothing I will fall asleep and wake up with massive cramps in my legs. The first thing I do is take two gymnema tablets and one bitter melon to help better digest the massive amount of sugar I've just eaten and keep it from raising my blood sugar too high. I know that the electrolytes in my body are going to go out of balance because I've experienced it so many times before. I make sure to take a potassium citrate and a calcium pill. I also want it to pass through as quickly as possible so I swig down some chia seed gel which makes me "go" a little better.

About an hour later, I begin to feel my heart pounding in my chest and ears. I feel my body vibrate to each pound. It gets really loud and really strong. It is rythmic and seems greatly exaggerated. A little scary. I purposefully start to take slow deep breathes to calm down. Sometimes that helps my heart to calm down. Not always. Last night it did not help. I tried it three or four more times. I realized I might need to take some magnesium but since I had already taken the potassium and calcium those two might handle the problem.

When I laid down in bed I could feel my heart pounding even more loudly and was disturbed by it. I changed to the recliner to put me in a more upright position. I read somewhere that if you are having a heart attack you should remain seated and not lie down. I knew I was not having a heart attack because there was no pain, but I was alarmed that the pounding and upper body pulsing had not subsided.

When I sat up on the edge of the bed, it was better but I could tell it was still there, just not so "loud." In the recliner I could not hear it as intensely but could still feel it was occurring. As I drifted off to sleep I flexed my left food and it got a cramp in it. That was the immediate alarm that I needed the magnesium, so I got up and made me a cup of "Calm." The reaction was so strong that I figured I needed some potassium gluconate, too, so I took one of those, too. I drank the Calm as I played some relaxing games on the computer. It takes about 20 minutes to work. It finally kicked in and I returned to the recliner and slept.

I woke up thinking about the previous nights events. My heart was no longer pounding. I did not have foot or leg cramps and pictured writing this blog entry. I don't want to do this any more. The after effects are getting out of hand -- too strong for me to ignore.

So what will you do the next time "bridge mix" shows up? If I say, "I'm not sure," that will be a setup to continue. If I say, "I will never do it again," I might be lying to myself to make me look good to you.

Now that I have revealed the whole process I feel enlightened and a little more free. I've now laid down in writing what I previously kept hidden from all. I can no longer deny it to anyone, including and especially, me.

The Lord used to tell me over and over again that the two lusts (for food and for sex) were the same. How I got over the sex one was with a gargantuan effort, a huge struggle and complete victory with the words, "No, I am not going to do that." I remember the battle. I was only able to win with the help of Jesus.

I am preparing for that battle once more. I am resolved. I will do battle. And, with the help of Jesus, I shall be victorious.

I shall share the story of the battle because I need to win it and sharing helps me win. Knowing I'm going to share it will help me win. I need the fasting, but I need to eat properly the rest of the time. Please pray for me to have continued victory in this area.

Be back soon,
Marcia