Every Day

Hi,

Every day is a new day. Every day the decision has to be made. Will I exercise properly today? Will I eat right for every meal and snack? Will I succumb to the addiction/temptation that shows up as pictures in my imagination? The realistic answer is, "No." So what is the best way around this?

Frankly I am not sure my methods are the best ones, but they are the only ones I have right now. Again, it appears that all I have to do is go "off" on a side track on one day, and the next day or two it might happen again. And the next. By the fourth day, things can get really out of hand. Today is the fourth day of side tracking. Not in large ways. Nothing totally unacceptable on the first three days. It is just that on the fourth day I really went overboard. Perhaps they are unrelated. I don't know.

I remember an old friend once telling me that if I was going to go off the program, I should keep to one occasion, go really bonkers, and get back on board the health train right after that. Perhaps I really need to take that advice as it was meant. I think I have been relating to every time I wanted to go off as "the one acceptable time" and that is not the spirit of the advice.

On Friday night, at Sweet Fellowship, I did not share that I had about three corn chips with my beans and sausage (I did not eat the rice). I also ate about four dried apricots from a bowl sitting in front of me. That was all. Not too bad. I could see the whole grains in the chips. I knew the apricots, while high in sugar, also have some good ingredients that my body can use well and I was only going to eat one, but actually ate three more.

Saturday I had the beans and sausage and ate "on track" (I don't think I went off -- or at least do not remember doing so.)  Sunday during church, especially in the evening service I kept yawning and falling asleep. The speaker was good and even at one point called out that we needed to wake up!  I knew he (my friend) had seen me sleeping and actually woke me up from the pulpit! I tried to straighten up and fly right, but kept yawning and nodding. Then when I got home from church, I could not go to sleep and started eating. I chose good things but there was no end to my "wanting." I remember being alarmed about it, but also not knowing what else to do with it, but to continue. Finally I made me go to bed, fell asleep for about 30 minutes and woke up with a bad dream. I was too agitated from the dream to simply lay back down and go to sleep and I wondered if the carb chemicals in my brain were getting low so I ravenously ate a batch of pop corn and finally fell into bed at about 5 a.m. I slept until noon today and got up. I was glad for the sleep.

I really did not feel too bad physically. I got on the Aerofit and did 15 minutes and also had done the stretchy cords using the new strength training methods. Then I sat down and had a large salad of cucumber, Romaine and avocado. I could not fit anything more in the bowl so I ate that without any protein -- except for a few mixed nuts. Then the phone rang and my friend John invited me to go to lunch. I told him I had just finished a big salad, but agreed to get out of the house with him. (It was not like pulling teeth or anything -- I like our outings.) We talked about getting him something to eat because he was hungry and I would get something later. We drove around a while and he wanted to stop at "Steak and Shake" at the Stonecrest Mall, which I had never been to before.  I could not remember having gone to that restaurant and agreed to the choice he was excited about. After I walked in, I remembered that I had been to one of these restaurants before and it was not good.

As we sat down I related how I had tried their chili and found it to be the worst chili on the planet. The friend I had previously gone with loves the chili, but it just seemed to me like they opened a can and poured it into a bowl and served it to the peasants. I had only one bite and asked to exchange it for a salad. Well this time, as I looked at the menu of burgers and fries and milk shakes I realized the pickings were pretty slim in the healthy department. John kept saying we could leave and go somewhere else, but I had started to be tempted by the photos and had started to think I could do a burger without the fries and get away with it. I also did not want him to sacrifice what he wanted because I was so picky -- even though he was willing to go somewhere else.

In the end we both ordered the guacamole burger. I asked if they had cole slaw and if I could substitute that for the fries. There was an additional fifty-nine cent charge but that did not seem to be too extreme. The next thing that happened was that the waiter brought me a small side of cole slaw and no other food was on the table. I thought that was odd, but tasted the cole slaw. Yuck! It was sloppy and sugary and tasteless. John asked the guy who had brought him his milk shake if we could exchange it for another side and asked what they had. He listed cottage cheese among the items and I chose that because it was the only thing that was acceptable on my program.

When they brought the burgers I took the bun off mine and ate it like an entree with a knife and fork. It was an excellent burger and the guacamole was very good. I took the onion off because it was too hot for my tastes but was very pleased that I ended up with items that were both acceptable and tasty. John ate his burger and fries and milkshake and I ate the burger innards and the cottage cheese and drank a glass of water as we talked.

On the way home a mysterious craving for candy began to overtake me. I said nothing to John because I thought it was too bizarre that I had been so persnickety at the restaurant and was now planning on going to Walgreens and getting some of their bridge mix after I dropped him off at his house. It was my sneaky little secret. I wrestled and prayed about it as I drove towards home and Walgreens. It was as if once the idea was in my mind there was nothing I could do but to satisfy it and comply. I prayed and got the idea to just go home and pray about it, as I recalled having done that in the past and been up all night with it. I decided it was easier to comply with the craving than to fight with it at home and make me crazy and lose another night's sleep.  I see now that I thought the craving was going to win and not the prayer.  Wow. That was when the choice was made and the battle was lost.

I could see I was making a decision that I would regret but just could not keep me from doing it. I wanted it more than anything. Even after I bought a small bag (I considered the large one, but chose the small one) along with some licorice and dark chocolate and opened the bridge mix and ate it as I drove. It was sickening sweet and obnoxious, but I kept right on eating as if it was manna from heaven. I wondered about that. What was making me shove this overly sweet manufactured item into my mouth when I would not even eat cole slaw with sugar in it, just an hour earlier. Am I insane? What is the deal?

I did not let the Lord help me. I went my own way. It makes me wonder just how serious I am about this. Or just how addicted am I? Where do I want to end up? I spoke with my friend Susan about this (she called while I was writing) and she said that she once lost fifty pounds by "substituting." What she meant was that if she had a candy craving she would eat one Hershey's kiss and then have a salad and protein to fill her up. I mentioned that my craving did not come before or during a meal but that I was eating the candy in the car. She said that then she would eat something or do something to make up for it at the next meal. Seems like sound advice. I could see myself on the Aerofit for another 15 minutes to make up for it.

A hymn is going through my mind. "I Need Thee Every Hour" -- and the line "temptations lose their power when thou art nigh."  I must pray to find the way to escape this. Forgive me Lord for not clinging to you when I was struggling and praying. Please show me the way.

He is my only hope. My hope He is. Praise the Lord!!

Please pray for me to find the way of escape. I do know the way to escape this temptation exists and I do want to find it.

Thanks,

Be back soon

--Marcia