Looking at What is Really Going On Here

Hi,

One of the things about blogging about addiction recovery is that it tends to point you in a direction that is familiar but with an unfamiliar goal. One of the things that I am having to face is letting you know that I fell off the wagon again. I am back on this morning but it is the same old story, which I am getting really tired of having to relate -- let alone anyone having to read about it one more time. Really tired. I am back up to 344 again, and all because I just could not leave the pizza alone when I was at Sweet Fellowship.

I was good when I got there. I had prepared by eating a nice big salad and my belly was full. When I got there, the pizza was no temptation because I was not hungry. After the lesson and chatting, a couple of hours later, though, it was a different story. This time when I was offered the pizza I pulled up a chair, let my magical thinking go wild, and told myself:  "This is OK!! How could this hurt me? It is only pizza. I'll get back on track tomorrow."

After which I ate three point five slices of either sausage or hamburger pizza. I could not believe how good it tasted and got lost in the reverie of spicy sauce, melted cheese, and meat on a raised crust. Afterward, I realized that I chose pizza over weight loss for myself. Of course once the head lights (mine) go dim, things get real easy to fudge. The next day, I had an Arby's chicken, apple, walnut sandwich on whole wheat bread. One of their market fresh sandwiches. It was so large I could not get my mouth over it, so I took off the top slice of bread thinking that was a good idea. Then when the sandwich was done, I ate the topper, too.

Then Sunday I went to lunch at the Hong Kong Buffet near my house with a friend after church. I started off by thinking about "raw" and what did they have on the salad bar. The only thing raw was some tomatoes and cucumber in a sugary pickle juice, iceburg lettuce (which I do not eat) and some raw mushroom slices. I took some of the tomatoe cucumber, which is how I know it had sugar in it, I could taste it in the sauce which was a clear looking liquid. Sort of a mixture of vinegar and sugar and I have no idea what all. I took some mushroom slices and toasted sunflower seeds and put ranch dressing on them. That was not as bad as it might sound. And some seafood salad. That was not bad. The second plate was worse. I chose fried potatoes, angel hair pasta, some cooked veggies and chicken, some crab casserole, and topped it off with ice cream.

My friend asked me if the ice cream had sugar in it. I said yes. She said, "Why are you eating it, then?" I did not answer as she stepped away from the table to get more food and she did not ask again. I ate the ice cream with a couple of cookies.

I am so disgusted with myself. I cannot keep doing this over and over. What is it going to take?

What is it going to take for me to.... to what? To get serious about the connection between what I eat and how much I weigh. To really be committed to my own good health? To get it that magical thinking is not going to save me? To make the right food choices starting with the grocery list at home? To stop all this nonsense about "just letting me succumb" whenever I am faced with food that I know, full well, should not enter my mouth? How do I want to end up?

Marcia, if you are going to just let yourself get away with stuff that is patently not good for you, will you ever be anything different than what you are right now? Do you really want to change? Oh. That is the question. Do you really want to change? I think my real answer has been, up to now, No. I don't want to change. I want to eat what I want to eat. Wow. I have been attempting to get me to change, without seeing the reason or end goal in mind. I think -- in fact -- I know that I have been avoiding the fact that I don't believe I can be any other way. It is no longer "my little secret" -- or should I say "my really big secret?" Really big because it is getting in the way of what I am attempting here in a big way. Or am I just pretending?

As I was considering that, I began to imagine pictures of me in a state of slimness. Is it true that I could actually shed the excess weight and be slim, or just normal sized? It is almost too much to imagine me as slender, so I confuse the matter with the words "just normal sized."  I don't want to be stumped by that. I do know it is possible for me to be slender/normal. Even simply slender. I could have a flat tummy if I just make the right choices, one by one, and every time.

I hope that by doing the "Fat Brain Lies" notebook I will have a little help with this. But I also see that I need to be dedicated. I want to feel that I am dedicated for life. I know me, if I have dedicated myself to a goal, I can reach it. If I can keep that in my sight, believing I can do it, I won't struggle day by day. I will follow the new eating program and that will be the end of it.

I was going to have my "before" notebook pictures taken today, but I messed up on getting there on time, and my friend had to go take care of some family business, so we will get together another time to take the pictures. Maybe I should just move on in the workbook.

Let me just say this. I feel that I am more dedicated right now. I do believe that I can change. I do want to change. The change will do me good.

Be back soon.

--Marcia