Day 31 -- starting to count calories

Hi,

Today is the day. As I stated yesterday, my doctor wants me to start a food journal in which I count calories and the goal for me is 1800 calories per day. 

I have got to say that I woke up this morning feeling trapped and depressed. Counting calories is about the last thing I want to do. But if I don't do this where will I end up? I think it would be in the same place I am now. I felt like I was taking a step backwards, but that is not really the case, that is simply how I felt. As I reluctantly got out the pad of paper and wrote down that I ate some peanuts, I realized all I had to do was look on the can and see the serving size and the numbers for the calories. 1/4 C equals 160 calories. OK. 1 slice of cheese is 70 calories. OK. But then there is the idea that I am now restricted by the container again, and I was just beginning to feel that I was free of that. If I wrote down 1/4 C I have to eat 1/4 C.

What if I don't really want 1/4C of peanuts? What if I want something less than that? OK, I can divide and estimate. Oh, yeah, now I remember, the book says that a medium sized apple is a certain number of calories and how do I know if my apple is medium sized or not? Well, I suppose I could measure it. So now I not only need a measuring cup but a tape measure. What if my apple is a different variety and I am eating more calories than I think I am? Eye-yi-yi -- get over it, Marcia, it is an estimate, not a science. And I am not trapped. I am still the one picking out what to eat. I am simply writing it down so I can keep track of what I am really eating. The purpose is to get a picture of what I am actually doing, so that I can begin to see where I can make adjustments. It is only a technique, not a torture chamber, and I will live through this. I hate dieting.

Usually the diet books that say they are not a diet, use some sort of mental gymnastics to prove that what they are doing is not a diet. Well, I can do that too. Except, I don't want to try to fool myself, I just want to encourage myself. I prefer honesty. So next would be to simply keep the purpose in mind. If you keep your eye on the destination, the journey has a purpose. So the destination for this is to lose weight. But, I know me, if that is my destination, as soon as I lose a couple of pounds, I have lost weight and the game is over. So I need a more specific destination that will keep me not only motivated but inspired to get there.

On the Body Composition Analyzer print out from yesterday I noticed something interesting and perhaps relevant to this topic. It said that the TARGET BF% is 30%. And if I were to reach that goal, I would weigh 215.2 pounds which would be a total of 135 pounds for me to lose. Well I certainly cannot do that in a day. But if I write down my calories and keep them at 1800 per day, I might at least be headed in that direction. And what if I don't think of it as "weight" but as "fat" -- well, I am not sure that concept is particularly motivating for me either. I would not mind weighing 215.2 pounds -- I have not seen that weight in a long long time. Heck I would be happy to get to 315.2 pounds from where I am sitting right now.

What is coming to mind is my cousin Julianna who has lost nearly 60 pounds (I think) on Weight Watchers and she is exercising her self into a whole new body size and wardrobe. But the plateaus, have been tough for her. She is a real list keeper and very goal oriented, which I have always admired about her and she is just keeping on keeping on. Go Julianna!! Great Job!!

What I admire about her is that she just does it. She sets a time, and makes the appointment. She makes a list, and marks it off as she finishes each item. If she says she is staying on WW, then that is precisely what she does. No ifs, ands, or buts. She just does it. That determination is what I need.

So, do I believe that writing down what I eat and keeping track of the calories will help me to reach my goal of weighing 215 pounds?  What would be the advantage of weighing 215 pounds? Wow. I might be able to shop in a store for my clothes. It might be much easier for me to stand up from a sitting position. My skin might sag and look like a white baggy suit. It already does. Perhaps the exercise will help to change that picture into something more attractive. I would not mind being a little lighter on my feet, and more agile when I move. That would be a real weight off of me. (Ha). So what shall I look to as the goal? And what is the answer to the first question? The best I can say is that I have been told that writing down the calories in a journal will support me. So, if I am simply obedient, then I will find out if that is true or not. That I can live with. Ok. So the goal is simply to write down the calories every day, and leave the future to itself. That is an action that I can do each day. I do not want to make me crazy with some made up goal weight. My goal shall be, simply to write down the calories and keep them at 1800 every day, if I can. Now, somehow, I do not feel trapped anymore.